Here’s a proper book for you. It’s got war, tragedy, romance and vascular dementia. The cover’s got a girl sitting on some steps having a sepia toned think. What do you reckon she’s thinking about kids?

C. She lives in a palace with the queen cos she’s an orphan.

G. She’s just being a bored girl and she’s like Mr. Stink.

C. She’s a wanderer.

G She lives nowhere she just walks around and she’s a girl that no one ever wanted to look after.

C. She lives in an orphan village.

What happens there?

C She’s like the Nutcracker, she has very mean owners who own the orphan village. They do stuff about… they smack her up the b–!